Disenchanted
by AJarOfDirt
Summary: When you go, would you even turn to say, "I don't love you like I did yesterday."? Albus asks the darkness that every night before bed. His memories come back to haunt him after decades. Albus will never forget him. Not him; not Grindelwald.
1. The End

* * *

"Aberforth, _listen to me_. Gellert and I only want to do this for the wealth of others. We want the world to be free of all the prejudice and want all Muggles and magic folk to live _harmoniously_…" 

"…You say all that so easily, Albus, but how can you be so sure it will all come true? Ariana needs care. I can't possibly do that on my own, Albus, that's why I'm telling you not to go with him. Who knows what expeditions _Gellert_ will lead you on? You could end up dead! I cannot afford that, Albus, you know it. Not one more…"

"…It's all for the greater good of mankind, Aberforth, _trust me_…"

"…Codswallop, it'll only lead to deaths, mark my words…"

"…Aberforth, if I may support Albus' statements…"

"…Shut up, Grindelwald! Nobody asked you to speak!"

"Well too-bloody-bad! I will talk! Albus and I only want to do this for the majority, even if _you_ choose to be so narrow-minded and caught up in old ways! _We_ want peace of mind for the nations. _We_ want harmony among all races and magic and non-magic folk. Would you stop being so selfish and look at them! They _need_ us…"

"…You Merlin-forsaken bastard. _They_ are the ones who exiled us in the first place! All this talk of 'changing the world'! For the 'greater good' indeed! Vain ambition is more like it! Albus, you have brains. Go be a teacher, go be the breadwinner like you're supposed to be, like it was entrusted to us when Dad got sent to prison and when Mum died. I've already got my hands full taking care of the house and I cannot afford for you to leave!"

-

The 'discussion', as Albus Dumbledore had proclaimed it to be when he had called his brother, Aberforth, from his chores, was not following along as it was first planned. What had begun as a civilised talk between peers had eventually evolved into Albus having to stand in between his brother and his friend, Gellert Grindelwald, the latter ready to rip Aberforth to shreds for his comments.

Albus and Gellert had been friends for a few months. They shared the same interests and had the same aspiration – to have harmony, peace and justice for the world's underdogs. They wanted to have civility for a change. They wanted to do something right for the world as a whole, even if it meant sacrificing a few souls on the way. Both wizards believed that witches and wizards were a higher order of human beings, and therefore, should rule the world. Both apparently only wanted what was best for the majority of the minority, rather than vice versa. They had thought that by travelling and understanding the world's many cultural environments and habits over the next few years would they be able to start their plans to promote their ideas and beliefs. But Aberforth thoroughly disagreed with them. He felt that Albus needed to share the burden of looking after their younger sister, Ariana, an emotionally-unstable, traumatised witch.

"Step out of the way, Albus," Grindelwald growled, his teeth gnashing and eyes glittering with anger. "Aberforth deserves what he's going to get."

"Oh, I do, do I?" the older Dumbledore advanced.

However, Albus defiantly stood his ground. "Aberforth, Gellert, be reasonable! Let's just talk this through calmly."

"We've done all the talking that's needed, Albus," Aberforth snarled, extracting his wand from his grubby shirt pocket and pointed it over his brother's shoulder at their guest. "Leave now, Grindelwald, before I do something you'll regret."

"Your level of _expertise_ with magic astounds me, Aberforth; really it does," Grindelwald made no mistake at pointing out with utmost sarcasm, only causing Aberforth to step forward menacingly. Albus quickly retrieved his own wand from a side table and pointed it at his brother.

"Aberforth, don't do anything rash. Don't you move either, Gellert!" he commanded, his eye on Grindelwald and his wand on Aberforth.

But neither were listening. Neither could hear the very desperate plea for their sanities to be intact. Both opened fire upon one another and Albus had no choice but to move away lest he got hit. Resigning to defeat and defence, Albus pulled his own wand on both, trying to get Gellert and Aberforth to stop the fight. His own spells were advanced, but his brother and friend were dodging them expertly.

Albus heard movement close by that had no connection to the ongoing battle and as he fired spells, gazed frantically around the room to see who had returned. His eyes fell on the doorframe by the staircase. Ariana was standing by it, looking shocked and ready to scream and cry.

"Ariana! Sister, get out of here!" Aberforth tried to call out over the noise of the conflict. "Go back to your room!"

But it was no use, she could not hear him. She entered the room nonetheless, her eyes fixated on the skirmish. The spells fired made it difficult to see, difficult to locate Ariana throughout the mess and flurry of spells. Red, green, blue, orange; all the colours of the rainbow were distracting Ariana, whose brothers were desperately coaxing her to get out of the room. They could not get to her, which was worrying them greatly.

The fight was intense and Gellert's excitement coupled with the busyness of the situation fuelled the fires more. The Dumbledores were annoyed with him and the fact that he could remain so calm, collected, and most importantly, the fact that he could _enjoy_ being in such a disarray. He was casually shooting spells at both brothers, willing them to stop, but not stopping himself. The look of glee on his face showed his intentions for them should they cross his path and push the right buttons.

However, none of the Dumbledores got that far. All of a sudden, there was a loud thud on the ratty wooden floorboards. All three wizards stopped. The thud was deafening. Looking around, they found, to their horror, Ariana Dumbledore dead by the doorframe whence she arrived.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** I'm finally completing this chapter. This was supposed to already be a song-based chapter, but I decided to hold it off one more just so I could have a prologue. Nothing lengthy, just an introduction. Reviews, constructive criticism and comments appreciated :)

Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling.


	2. How I Disappear

* * *

Albus' eyes lingered on the limp body of Ariana by the doorframe. Her eyes were wide open in shock, her jaw hanging slightly. Her arms were locked and her skin had lost even more of its colour. Turning his head around to face his brother in disbelief, Albus only saw a blur as Aberforth rushed over to his sister's side, shaking her lifeless body as he repeatedly muttered her name, breaking the deathly silence that had suddenly engulfed the room. Everybody did not know quite what to do with themselves. Albus was too shocked to move and Gellert looked from brother to brother, his expression unreadable. 

_To unexplain the unforgivable_  
_Drain all the blood and give the kids a show_

"Ariana… Sister…_wake up_…" Aberforth's usually-loud voice had reduced to a mouse's squeak as he cradled Ariana's corpse in his arms. The hint of a sob in his voice was not well-hidden as he broke down in due realisation.

_By streetlight, this dark night_  
_A séance down below_

Albus closed his eyes as he let that comprehension fill his being, tearing up behind half-moon spectacles. His breath became shakier and shallower as overwhelming guilt cut into his heart, reminiscent of a knife slicing through ready-made steak. Had he been the one to fire the killing curse? Ariana was a frail girl and any spell could have essentially crippled the poor child. But it did not just injure her. No; it _killed _her.

_There's things that I have done_  
_You never, should never know_

Albus gazed around the room – the mess of the room – where the battle had just taken place. Furniture was overturned, paintings had fallen from the nails that held them up on the walls, the curtains and fittings that lined the windows had been ripped and torn, the ends of the fabric singeing still. Scorch marks decorated the bare walls and the front door was opened wide the wrong way. So the fight had gone worst than he had expected.

His gaze fell on Gellert, realising that he was still in the room. The revelation that he might have killed Ariana sent Albus in a fitful internal rage. Seizing his wand one more time, he advanced on Gellert, all sensitivity for him gone, all friendship dissipated.

Gellert's head turned in Albus' direction in a fraction of a second and fearing for his life, turned and fled. Albus fired a spell in his direction and it missed him by an inch, hitting the doorframe instead of Gellert's left leg. He then sprinted down the rest of the path, escaping into the night.

Albus turned back to his brother, whose sobs and wails were heightening in pitch with every one renewed. Letting the bottled-up tears roll freely down his cheeks, Albus knelt next to Aberforth and Ariana, wrapping his arms around the both of them. None of them complained. They had lost another member of their family. They could not complain.

It was from that day on that Albus Dumbledore lost his sanity. The talks of him being mad were true, for he had lost something far too precious and far too sacred to ever bring him back to a time when things were okay and that was his family. It was then that he isolated himself from the world, shutting off all connection and effectively building a base for his own achievements rather than that of a once-prestigious family.

-

_And without you is how I disappear_  
_And live my life alone forever now_  
_Without you is how I disappear_  
_And live my life alone forever now_

-

A funeral for Ariana was planned and carried out as a small, quiet procession one cold winter morning. Clear suspicion towards the two other members of the Dumbledore family was noted, but nobody said anything. The neighbours stared and whispered to one another, but nothing outright was spoken nor did anybody make any unwanted remarks. It was a time of mourning, not of mockery and disapproval. Aberforth was uncomfortably giving the eulogy in the degrading atmosphere of judges and onlookers.

_Who walks among the famous living dead_  
_Drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed_

"Ariana was our pride and joy and…and…" Aberforth tearfully stuttered for a moment, unsure of how to continue. But before he could make a rational decision, he let his fury of her death overwhelm him as his tone suddenly turned angry. "…And I know you all think I have something to do with her death. Well, the truth is, I don't know what caused it! I don't know if it was me or if it was that sick bastard Grindelwald or…or if it was Albus! My brother! Well?!_ Explain_ it to them then! _Who_ killed Ariana?!"

Albus stared at his brother's sudden rage-inspired act at the podium in shock and for a moment in time, their gazes locked, one of vehemence, one of confusion. "Aberforth…"

"Go on! Figure it out! You're supposed to be the _smart_ one in the family!" Aberforth growled as he stormed over to his brother, grabbing him by his dark robes fiercely. "I said, figure it out! Like you always do!" he screamed, frantic for an answer from his older brother. Not able to wait any longer, Aberforth clenched his fist, brought it eye level and punched his brother.

Blood oozed from Albus' nose as the crowd gasped and divided, whispering more profusely than ever. The onlookers stared as Aberforth angrily stormed away and Albus lay bleeding on the floor, clutching his broken nose and staring at Ariana's portrait by the pulpit.

_And if you could talk to me, tell me if it's so_  
_That all the good girls go to heaven_

'How did it come to this?' Albus' mind reeled as Bathilda Bagshot helped the young man up from where he had fallen.

_Well heaven knows_

-

_That without you is how I disappear_  
_And live my life alone forever now_  
_Without you is how I disappear_  
_And live my life alone forever now_

* * *

Albus stared at the mirror a night later, prodding at the bandage that held his nose in place. Aberforth had really broken it and he had to be sent to St. Mungo's for an emergency operation. However, it all turned out well, despite the fact that Albus would have a crooked nose for the rest of his life. 

Sighing heavily, he changed into his pyjamas and sat on his bed, his head leaning against the cold, concrete wall behind him. He could hear Aberforth shuffling around downstairs, probably getting a midnight snack or a knife to murder Albus with. The latter could have sworn that Aberforth had tried to kill him numerous times before since Ariana's death.

Albus rubbed his temples with his fingers and put his face in his hands, feeling tears flow down the plains of his cheeks as he silently cried. He felt too guilty to rest well each night. From the time when Ariana had been killed up until then, he had not had good nights' rests, nor had he been able to fall asleep without crying to himself until he felt too worn out. His dreams felt haunted and trapped, forever envisioning possibilities in which he _could_ have killed her. It made the nightmare ever more real.

_Can you hear me cry out to you?_  
_Words I thought I'd choke on, figure out_

"Oh, Ariana…" Albus whispered to the darkness. His eyes were illuminated by the moonlight seeping in through the partially-drawn curtains. His eyes blurred even more as he thought about her and he reached under his bed and pulled out a large, dusty, leather-bound book.

It was a photography album and it chronicled the Dumbledores' lives. Albus smiled as he caught sight of his parents, Kendra and Percival, smiling as they held a baby Aberforth. Albus was cheekily trying to squeeze into the picture to have a hold at his younger brother. More pictures showed the process of time and in the end, it showed a big, happy family. Kendra looked radiant as she held onto a two-year-old Ariana, whose eyes were much clearer then than they were after her traumatic experience. Aberforth was grinning widely and Albus, a triumphant smile, for he had a beautifully talented family back then.

_I'm really not with you anymore_  
_I'm just a ghost_

But it was all long past. He was only an empty shell now. Almost everything he had once held dear was gone. His father was imprisoned and his mother and sister were dead.

_So I can't hurt you anymore_  
_So I can't hurt you anymore_

'I can work without them worrying about me,' he told himself. 'But what's the point anymore?'

* * *

_Now, you want to see_  
_How far down I can sink_  
_Let me out_

* * *

Albus' anger towards Grindelwald, whom he only mentioned by last name after the incident, never truly diminished, but neither had his love for Grindelwald. Ever since he had chased his peer from his home for the possibility of him killing Ariana, they had not spoken through letters or anything else. Albus just assumed that Grindelwald had fled the country, until he started popping up in news headlines everywhere that stated he was a wanted criminal with a record longer than the length of the River Nile. 

_So, you can_  
_Well now so, you can_  
_I'm so far away from you_  
_Well now so, you can_

He could do whatever he wanted, Grindelwald, and he chose to be unlawful. He chose to be a murderer to achieve his goals. It seemed that without Albus, he was indeed just a heartless killing machine. That fact solidified Albus' vow to defeat the arrogant murderer for his actions towards the majority. Instead of following through with the duo's plans of world peace amongst magic and non-magic folk, Grindelwald had chosen to be a terror to Britain, someone so evil and corrupt.

_And without you is how I disappear_  
_And without you is how I disappear_

But Albus had been in love with Grindelwald. He had once told Grindelwald about his feelings. However, none of them were reciprocated. As unhappy as he had been towards Grindelwald, Albus had still harboured feelings for his friend despite.

_Without you is how I disappear_  
_And without you_  
_Forever…_

First his parents, then Ariana and finally Grindelwald. Most of the people he had proclaimed to have loved were gone from him. Even his brother, his only living relative, had drifted away from him, looking at him with accusing eyes at every meeting and talking spitefully. As much as he loved his brother, Albus felt that it was unjust and therefore, never communicated with Aberforth much.

Thus, these things spawned the loneliness that was Albus Dumbledore.

_Forever now! _

* * *

**Author's Note:** _This is How I Disappear_ is copyrighted to My Chemical Romance and Reprise. 


	3. I Don't Love You

_Decades later…_

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

The old grandfather clock by the stairs ticked softly in its corner. Candles were put out, no fireplace was lit. Everything was still.

The breeze outside was blowing through fig leaves and tall grass of lawns that had not been mown for years. The overgrown plants in the yards rocked solemnly in the cold, dry atmosphere. The houses lining the street were constructed of old red brick and no lights shining through any of the windows. It was late; extremely late. There was no noise apart from the sound of the wind blowing through the village.

This was a neighbourhood of memories for Albus Dumbledore. As he sat in his childhood bed late that night, his thoughts floated high as the clouds high above. Not all his memories of Godric's Hollow were pleasant, but he did grow up in the village and therefore, there was some significance to it.

It was why Albus chose to return to it once a year and stay for a few days. He felt different each time he arrived at Godric's Hollow. It was indescribable, most of the time. He sometimes did not even remember why he returned. Did he want to dig up bad pasts? Fight undefeated demons? Revel in good reveries? Albus was not always sure.

Albus walked down the long, cold corridors of his previous home, looking at the dusty photographs hanging from the walls, the dust-layered furniture, the unwashed floorboards and the windows that desperately needed scrubbing. All these little things seemed to hold lifelong memories that were worthy of remembrance.

Entering into the old living room, emotion filled Albus' being as he looked around the at the tattered furniture. Scorch marks decorated seat cushions and a sofa leg had snapped. The clock on the mantel had had its handles cursed out of it and the wall behind it sported a hole. Nobody had bothered to really clear the mess up, for not long after Ariana had been killed, the Dumbledore brothers moved from their home, with Aberforth opening his bar, the Hog's Head, and Albus moving on to other projects of his own.

His eyes fell on the front door, where the doorframe was half-torn apart. He remembered that last spell he had thrown at his enemy. It would have gravely injured him if not for his speed and that doorframe blocking the path of the spell…

_Well, when you go  
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay_

Grindelwald fled Godric's Hollow that same night it happened – at least, that was what Albus assumed for he had never seen Grindelwald in the village again after the incident. Albus never fully forgave Grindelwald for partially causing such distress in his household. After Ariana's death, he had distanced himself from what was his dream – to rule the world – and instead settled on being the scholarly man he knew he was completely capable of being. Things were in his control that way and would not spiral further than what he could command.

_And maybe when you get back  
I'll be off to find another way_

"At least I managed to do something right for the world, unlike him," Albus whispered to the darkness as he sat down on one of the threadbare sofas, his eyes afresh with tears as he gazed around the room. It was as though he was trying to reason with somebody, but the helpless tone in his voice revealed his true sense of uncertainty and plea. He could still picture the fight that turned into a murder scene before his eyes and he was guilty; too guilty for comprehension, at some points. He removed his half-moon spectacles – the same ones he had been wearing all his life – and wiped his eyes, feeling the tears sting them even more.

_And after all this time that you still owe  
You're still the good-for-nothing I don't know_

Albus regained his composure long enough to mutter the words, "I defeated him. I'm stronger than he is."

But that did not soothe his aching heart. Albus could not suppress untold feelings of utter loss and the culpability was overbearing. Until then, he still did not know if he had been the one who had killed his sister. He knew one of them had, but what if it was him?

"I didn't do it," he tried to reason again. It was truly a pitiful sight, a grown man crying to himself in the darkness. But he could not help it. It haunted him. It probed into his core, eating away at him and making him feel hollow and truly unwashed, unclean. He felt as though he had sinned greatly, even though he was not entirely sure what his sin was. He felt helpless and in turn, useless.

"Like him. He's useless."

_So take your gloves and get out  
Better get out while you can_

"Forget about him, he's gone," the Hogwarts headmaster attempted to assure. "You shouldn't care anymore. It's been decades and it's honestly not worth your time or energy. Grindelwald never was and never will be. He's locked away, the madman. He doesn't need you, nor do you need him."

Anybody would not have expected Albus to have had such a strong relationship with Grindelwald. In fact, it would come across as a huge shock to most. Albus was always a solitary person and to have him depend on somebody so much was quite surprising and in truth, quite unbelievable.

_When you go, would you even turn to say,_  
"_I don't love you,  
Like I did yesterday."_

But he needed to know why things had to get so far. Buttons had to be pushed and it became something that it should not have. Nobody was supposed to die that night, nobody was supposed to run and nobody was supposed to lose a friend – much less a person whom you had had feelings for, such strong emotions that can never be explained with just words.

The simple fact that a goodbye was not said tore Albus apart. For he felt that if it was supposed to end that way, something heartfelt could have been shared by both friends at the very least. But nothing ever went according to plan.

* * *

_Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading  
So sick and tired of all the needless beating_

Fighting Grindelwald was one of the hardest things Albus had ever had to do in his long life of suffering and solitude. Just seeing him again made it unexplainably hurt – seeing that he had not changed at all. He still had that same maniacal ambition in his eyes, that look that drew Albus to Grindelwald. It was that look that made Albus want to follow Grindelwald's mission and it brainwashed him, in a sense, into believing whatever Grindelwald had planned for the world was for everybody's benefit.

But years later, Albus had finally seen through the façade that Grindelwald had placed in front of him. He was being used for his intelligence and credibility. Grindelwald obviously knew, from friendly questioning, that Albus excelled at school and was a favourite of the teachers. He knew that if Albus were to just pull on a few strings, their propaganda would have been accomplished. It took Albus several years, but he had finally broken free from that hold Grindelwald had on him. However, special feelings did no dissolve and Albus resorted to having to fight Grindelwald. It was his silent entreaty, a silent apology. He wanted it to end, but they, as they always do, went too far.

_But baby, when they knock you down and out  
It's where you ought to stay_

Albus defeated Grindelwald, who was at the time, supposedly the most powerful wizard in Britain, owner of the Elder Wand. Somehow, something slipped and it was in Albus' favour. He was lucky – it could have been much worse.

"He deserved what he got," Albus told himself as he leaned back in the dilapidated settee, his head full of images of the battle and of Grindelwald jumping, dodging spells and stabbing his wand at air as he shot curses out at Albus through his 'unbeatable' wand. "We both deserve whatever wounds we have now."

_And after the all the blood that you still owe  
Another dollar's just another blow_

"But I'm still indebted," he murmured. Albus' gaze fell upon a family portrait sitting on the mantelpiece. It showed the five Dumbledores – one happy family. The glass frame, however, was cracked in several places. It did not sever the representation, but it did seem like divine intervention. It seemed to represent something in its own right. Albus stood before it, his piercing blue eyes running over every inch, every nook and cranny, of the piece, but he still could not see it. He knew there was something there.

_So fix your eyes and get up  
Better get up while you can_

Then it hit him; it hit him forcefully. Things from the outside world – represented by the glass frame holding the family in place – interrupted the happiness and the comfort of the Dumbledore household. The boys who tormented Ariana, their father going to prison, Grindelwald…they were all things that could have been avoided, but fate tested them and they could not get around destiny. The glass broke, exposing their family and it caused their downfall.

"Years of not knowing…_years_…"

What if he had not met Grindelwald? Would it have made much of a difference to the way things worked out? Maybe it would have made something small turn into something significant. Albus never needed Grindelwald to become who he was, he realised. Grindelwald was added burden to his already overflowing pile. He was pushed into the deep by this man and he took a very long time to get out.

_When you go, would you even turn to say,_  
"_I don't love you,  
Like I did yesterday."  
Come on, come on_

Grindelwald never cared about Albus, so why should he care about him? Why did he still have to go on asking himself the same questions every night? It beleaguered him and it put him in a position where he sometimes felt too powerless to speak. He was incomplete and he did not have the closure that probably Grindelwald had. Grindelwald knew who killed Ariana; Albus could see it in his eyes. But they never got to talking before spells were fired and the most heated battle of their time commenced.

_When you go, would you have the guts to say,_  
"_I don't love you,  
Like I loved you yesterday."_

Maybe Grindelwald did not have the fortitude to tell Albus; maybe by some odd and twisted logic, Grindelwald was genuine and he did understand what Albus went through.

"I can't believe that anymore," Albus shook his head. "Decades of waiting won't do."

"_I don't love you,  
Like I loved you, yesterday."_

Albus gathered his things and left the house that night, secretly vowing never to return to it. He had tried to do so years prior, but he had never kept his promise. Somehow or other, though, he felt he could this time around. He felt that he could do himself that very gesture; that favour. Albus had much more pressing matters to worry about at the present time. Dwelling on the past was not something he should be doing.

"I should take the memories out tonight," he thought. He had delayed fishing through his mind and extracting the bad memories for years because he felt that he wanted to work it out on his own. But Albus knew that he could not because it was just not in his power anymore. He may be proclaimed to be the greatest wizard that ever lived by some, but he too had his limits. He was sure Merlin needed an off day once in awhile.

As Albus looked back at his childhood home from the end of Godric's Hollow, he heaved a huge sigh. It was not one of relief, not one of closure, but it would have to do. At least he knew one thing was certain, that he had to forget. If not Ariana, Grindelwald. He had to come to terms with himself sooner or later – he picked later. But he was already certain of one thing and that gave him a small sense of contentment.

"_I don't love you,  
Like I loved you yesterday."_

* * *

**Author's Notes: **I'm finally done with this! Goodness, how long has it been? Over a month, close to two, I'm willing to bet. This did not go through my beta, because I was too impatient to wait for her to get home, but I'm hoping you like what you read :D I'm quite pleased with this myself. It turned out very different from what I had originally planned for the song, but I think it worked out very well. Do give feedback!

The song used is a very beautiful one called _I Don't Love You_ and it is by My Chemical Romance. All credit in regards to the song goes to them.


End file.
